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Lindsay Lohan: "The Secret of My Excess"



"Why is everybody picking on me?!"

Hi, everybody! It's me, Lindsay!* A lot of really, really mean and nasty things have been written about me this past week, and I just wanted to take this opportunity to set my record...er, set THE record straight about what really happened. Those annoying and nasty reporters have been saying that I'm out of control and that I'm a drunk and that I'm a drug addict and stuff. Well, that's just really rude! What did I ever do to deserve this kind of treatment?

I just don't know why the press makes me out to be some sort of wild and out-of-control party girl who drinks too much and does illegal drugs and doesn't show up on time for my movies and gets drunk in public places and then passes out in her car and then also drives drunk on a suspended license and also drives over people's feet and stuff. I mean, come on! That's just so mean! And now they're saying that I was drunk one night this past week and chased my ex-assistant's mom in her SUV at 1:30 in the morning! That's just crazy! I would definitely remember if I did something like that!



"I don't remember doing
anything like this AT ALL!!!"


Anyway, I guess the police somehow believed the press, because now they have my mug shot plastered all over the internet. I just wonder how they can get away with distributing these obviously phony picture of me after being arrested! I mean, come on! I would obviously have remembered having my picture taken for the police! I'm really seriously thinking about suing somebody! It's just not fair how I keep getting picked on when I haven't done anything wrong! I don't even drink! Or do cocaine! Or pass out in my own car! Or drive over people's feet! I would definitely remember doing something like that!


"I SWEAR I would remember
doing something like this!"



So now, those nasty people in the press are saying that I might have to go to jail, or something. Why do they keep picking on me?! I always stop and pose for them when I walk down the red carpet and stuff! I always remember to use Visine before getting my picture taken for them! I just don't get why they want me to go to jail?! I haven't even done anything wrong! I really don't drink. Or do cocaine. Or pass out in my own car! Or drive over people's feet! I would definitely remember doing something like that!



"Here's another fake internet picture
of me looking drunk. How rude!!!"



So I really, really hope that this clears everything up! I personally would never print false stories about famous celebrities and their weird problems, or make fun of them on stupid websites! Obviously, there are a lot of people out there in the world that are just mean and stupid! So, now that I've stated my case and cleared everything up, maybe everybody will just go away and leave me alone. I really don't have time for all this mean stuff! I just want to have fun! Lots and lots and lots of fun!


So anyway, everybody please go see my new movie, 'I Know Who Killed Me', playing in a theater near you! Oh, and my attorney wanted me to add this... "Addiction is a terrible and vicious disease". Whatever that means! Okay, I really gotta run! My friends are throwing a big support party for me later tonight at Les Deux! Bye!!!



"I'm steppin' out tonight!!!"




* Story written by Lindsay Lohan celebrity impersonator






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